But in order to understand what's happening now you must understand the string of events that lead to all of this. None of this is reasonable. That being said, all of this is very real. One lesson I've learned is that, without fail, extremes beget extremes. If Einstein can define insanity his own way then I will do so as well. Insanity is the expectation that one extreme will result in calm, in peace, or in anything "normal."
Extremes beget extremes, and my life has been nothing if not extreme for the last three years. The extremes really began to foreshadow themselves earlier than that, but all will be explained in its own time. As exciting as it would be to start telling this story with what left me bruised and bloodied today, none of that will make any sense without at least some of the boring back-story.
So I'll hit you with the boring back-story starting... now:
I was born a healthy baby to a wealthy family. We're talking three obnoxiously large houses wealthy, because clearly one isn't enough. One must also have a summer vacation home on the beach, and a winter vacation home in the mountains conveniently located near natural hot springs. Yeah, my family is "that" family. One of those family's whose last name invokes a reaction of reverence, fear, and conspiracy theories as to how we get into college.
Other than the money, I had a normal Midwestern upbringing. I wasn't spoiled, which is fairly unbelievable. I worked the same summer jobs as any teenager: caddied at the local country club, worked at Best Buy, and even did a summer of rough carpentry. My family taught me that work was what got us what we had, and would be the only way to maintain what we had. They also taught me that Sundays were for church, and a nice family dinner.
Throughout school I was a good kid. I got in some trouble, but only got detention once and to quote my explanation to my parents it was "totally bogus." The main fact to focus on for this story is that I was smart. I hate to say good things about myself, because I don't ever want to be perceived as thinking I'm better than anyone else. But when you've had a 4.0 your entire academic career, I think it's fair to refer to oneself as smart. I was also involved in many extra-curricular activities: band, choir, soccer, theater, and track. I did well in all of those, was outstanding in one: theater.
But now I'm rambling and this is the boring part. So let's skip to college and if I missed any important parts of the boring part I'll come back to it later.
College...
Supposed to be the best years of one's life, or at least that's what Hollywood leads us to believe. I decided to study rocket science. No joke, that's what I chose to do, Aerospace Engineering. I went to one of the top schools in the country for my major, and the papers said it was my last name that got me in. That didn't bother me, I knew it had more to do with my 4.0 than anything else.
The first hints of the extremes I've just climbed out of, that resulted in the extreme I'm living out now, happened during undergrad. But the details on that will come later, much later.
Then came grad school. I decided I wanted to get involved in the cutting edge of rocket science, which in any engineering field means research work. In order to do research work, one must get an advanced degree or two. So I applied and something, maybe my name, hopefully my resume, got me in to the top school at the time M.I.T. Yes, the M.I.T. The same M.I.T that invents things for NASA on a regular basis, and that was where I would continue my studies. Not only that, but I'd gotten an offer to work in the research group of Dr. Samuel R. Green.
Dr. Green was a big deal to say the least. He was the leading researcher in the world when it came to structural optimization, and materials. He'd worked with composite materials, self-healing plastics, and analytical methods for structural optimization just to list a few. If he wasn't the person who invented the field of research he was working in, he would eventually redefine it with a new discovery or invention. This very same Dr. Green wanted me to work with him. No pressure there, no pressure at all.
Upon my arrival a year and a half ago Dr. Green assigned me to a project that had already caused two graduate students before me to quit without earning their PhD. The project had never really gotten beyond the fetal stages of development, but was too important to the current line of research to leave by the wayside. No pressure there, no pressure at all.
Four years before starting graduate school I experienced the first hints that I had inherited a certain chemical imbalance known to run in the family. However, with the proper treatment I was able to get past it without too much trouble.
But upon moving to M.I.T. the anxiety and depression, the chemicals took over my life. The extreme to which this would be true didn't become clear until after my first year. But for know the important thing is that these chemicals in my brain left me completely without purpose. I had no desire to continue my studies. All my passion for Aerospace anything had left me, even theater was less appealing. Nothing gave me any reason to keep going, because the chemicals had taken over my brain.
Simply put, I wanted to die.
But I didn't have the courage to end it. I couldn't bring myself to put knife to wrist. That of course made it worse. The chemicals planted thoughts in my head: "How useless are you? You can't even end it... You don't deserve to see another day... You're only a burden to those around you, they'll be relieved of that when you're gone." These thoughts grew and grew, until I had the least reasonable thought of my entire life, and that's what brought back my focus.
"If you don't have the balls to end yourself, get someone who knows how to kill to do it for you. Hire someone. Get a hit-man to end it. Put out a contract on your own life."
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