Faults, Follies, and Risking It All

I have many faults, and I have committed many follies, and I am prepared to risk it all.

I've come to realize that in spite of the fact that I don't participate in any extreme sports, or anything of that nature I live my life in a way that some would label very risky. I am honest, or I try to be, at all times and with everyone. Obviously, this honesty is confined within the bounds of social propriety, meaning I am honest at all times but only completely open with those I love and trust. However, I am generally very trusting, and find it impossible not to love (to some degree) everyone I know. Therefore I essentially live with my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. All anyone needs to do is ask the right (or wrong) question, and I will answer them, honestly.

I've yet to really get burned by this. Which is fortunate for me I suppose. But I really don't care what people know about me. I just wish it were easier for people to understand me.

Recently I've had multiple conversations with people I am close with that have pointed out to me how rare it is for someone to actually speak their mind. This has also led me to the conclusion that many of the biggest miscommunications I find myself causing are because I say what I mean and the listener tries to read between the lines or dig beneath the statement to find what I mean. But I said what I meant, and therefore this leads nowhere good.

I understand that my policy of honesty inherently leaves me open to pain. Speaking figuratively, there's a reason we have skin, fat, muscles, and a rib cage surrounding our hearts. But to choose to forgo that protection and leave my heart out in the open is dangerous, and I get that. Doesn't bother me though...

I've recently gone through an extended period of time that was extremely difficult, and tore me down about as far as a man can be torn down and still come back from it. It lasted longer than it should have, and got worse than I thought it could have. But without boring you, or scaring you for that matter, with the details, suffice it to say that I'm back. I'm back to the whole-hearted pursuit of being the man that I should be, no matter what that means.

No matter what that means...

That is the crux of the matter right now. After going through such a long period where I felt so very disconnected from reality, where I honestly felt like someone else was living my life, it's hard to know how to live my life for myself again. Or more accurately as myself again.

I'm feeling pulled in a lot of directions, and am prayerfully considering everything. I am half-way through a Master of Science degree in Aerospace Engineering, and yet I feel I have lost much (if not all) of the passion I once had for that field. Perhaps that's because I associate my time away from reality with my studies for this degree, due to the fact that they happened to occur at the same time...

I need to pray about that more, meditate on that more.

There are still some very clear passions in my life: Faith, Music, Theater, and Service.

Most who know me, know my faith is something that is very important to me. It's not something I do, it's something I am. I'll not harp on that here.

With regards to the music, and theater, I've been called a pretentious hipster with respect to both art-forms. This accusation is not completely unwarranted and I will therefore not refute it here. When it comes to music I am a consumer more than a producer of it. I wish I could call myself a musician, and in spite of the many instruments I have played, and all the singing I have done, I cannot. My passion for theater takes shape in the form of acting. I have performed in a total of 18 plays, with roles ranging from cameos to help out a friend, to the 7 lead roles I've had the pleasure of performing. I love my music and I love performing and I hope to continue taking part in both as long as I possibly can.

Recently I've felt a pull toward finding a way to combine my passions, and pursue them all simultaneously. Not sure exactly what that looks like. Perhaps it means I should get more actively involved in faith-based service in the artistic community. Maybe it's simply affirmation of the fact that my presence in the artistic community provides me with opportunities to serve the people I get to know. There's also the possibility that I need to take a bigger risk than that, and make ministry to the artistic community my life. That would be a big risk. To leave behind (potentially) two degrees in Aerospace Engineering...

But I am willing to risk it all, to become the man I should be.