Faults, Follies, and Walking and Talking

I've been talking a good game recently about how I'm going to change my life. Well the time to walk the walk, and not just talk the talk, has come. In fact it probably came a while ago, but I've been talking a good enough game to convince myself that my talking was part of walking it out.

False.

Talking is only talking. Now it's time to get things done. It's time to finish this degree. It's time to put the work in and finish it. It's time to stop mulling over, and making decisions about the changes I need to make in my life, and make them (the changes that is). It was time to stop being this guy I don't want to be a while ago, and it's time to start being the man I want to be.

I've got some big things ahead of me. Things I don't entirely understand. For fear of speaking Christian-ese at you, I've tried to avoid saying this but there's no way to avoid it: God is calling me to make some big changes in my life. That's the only way to explain it. And if that sounds creepy and cult-like to you, I would recommend not reading the rest of this post.

One thing I know for sure is that I am done drinking alcohol for the rest of my life. I will not be drinking any more, not even a sip to taste a beer that I've never had. No taste-testing when friends tell me they found a delicious new drink, no matter what that drink might be. I'm done. Drinking serves no positive purpose in my life. If anything alcohol is a trigger for bad habits, and it is common knowledge that alcohol is a depressant which is not something I need in my life.

I also really need to start reading my Bible more often, more regularly. I need my relationship with God to grow closer. I've been disconnected from the world and in many ways from God for a long time, and need to get that connection back. I need to be actively involved in this relationship for it to work, just like any relationship I have here on earth.

I need to pursue the things I'm passionate about, with everything I've got. I'm on my way to doing that. Right now it's difficult to work out the logistics, but I'm working on it. I can't exactly haul off and go to New Zealand at will, nor can I just up and move to Ireland. I need to prepare for the things God is calling me to. I need to become the man that I need to be in order to take on those experiences. By that I mean that I need the appropriate training, and I need to be in the right place emotionally, and spiritually to take those steps in my life. If I were to dive right in to the things that God seems to be calling me to do, I'd drown.

So I'm going to start with small steps. I'm going to stop drinking. I'm going to make other changes too, but I'm going to try not to overwhelm myself by taking on too many changes at once. I'm also trying not to be over cautious and go too slow. That's a fine line between overwhelming change and insufficient progress, and I'm going to walk it the best I can.

I'm going work towards being the man I am meant to be, no matter what that might mean.

I will lose relationships over it, and already have.

I will be misunderstood, and I already am.

I know that this won't always be easy, happy, or fun. But I also know that if I can really follow through with this it will be the best decision I've ever made. It will hurt, probably a lot at times. I'd like to pretend I'm prepared for that, but I'm probably not. But that's why God is there to nourish me when I'm tired. That's there are people in my life who are willing to support me in this pursuit because they know it is the best thing I can do for myself.

So I need to start doing it, and stop talking about doing it.